Coping styles

Schemas can trigger distressing thoughts and painful emotions. In order to avoid these, we typically develop certain ‘coping styles'. These often form quite early in life, and quickly become established. However, what might be a helpful way of coping when we are young can often become less helpful as time goes by. In fact, these coping styles often serve to reinforce the schemas, keeping you trapped in a vicious cycle.

Coping styles can vary significantly. There is no specific coping style linked to any one particular schema. Your coping style may be affected by your personality or temperament, by seeing the coping styles used by those around you when you were young, or by seeing what works. They can also change over time, or in different situations.

The three main coping styles loosely correlate with the fight-or-flight or freeze response:

Surrender

This is where you “give in” to the schemas, believing that the feared outcome is inevitable. However, this typically results in reinforcing the schemas.

For example, someone who surrenders to the “defectiveness” schema may find that they enter into relationships with abusive partners, who feed into those feelings of defectiveness and shame.

Avoidance

This is where you avoid situations that trigger the schemas. However, this typically reinforces the schemas or leaves people more at risk of substance abuse, bingeing or risky or compulsive behaviours as they try and avoid triggering situations or emotions.

For example, someone with an abandonment schema may avoid entering into relationships in order to avoid the feared abandonment. However, this will result in them feeling isolated or lonely. Someone with an unrelenting standards schema may procrastinate when deadlines are due, to avoid the stress triggered by thinking about the deadline. However, the stress becomes increasingly unbearable as the deadline approaches, and the person may even miss the deadline and become very self-critical about their performance.

Overcompensation

This is where you do the opposite of what the schemas makes you feel. Whilst this may sound healthy, it typically goes too far.

Someone with a defectiveness schema may overcompensate by putting an incredible amount of effort into achieving something - for example trying to feel worthwhile by being as thin as possible (developing anorexia) or overworking. However, it is rarely “enough” to satisfy the schema, and will usually lead to burn out, thus reinforcing the schema.

Therapy will allow you to identify what coping styles you use, to evaluate whether or not they are working for you, and to develop new, more healthy coping styles.